Fearless. I like that word. It has a great meaning and even feels kind of good to say. It’s a word that makes me picture a person running into a burning building to save somebody. In many ways I’m that kind of person. When an emergency happens and somebody is in trouble, I don’t think twice about jumping into the mix to help.
I’m the first to stop at the scene of an accident if help hasn’t arrived. I’ve sped after another motorist to get their license plate after seeing them pull a gun on another driver (probably not the smartest move). I even stood between two regulars at the bar I worked at back in my college days whose arguement had reached the point that they were pulling guns (definitely NOT my brightest move). It’s not that I think I’m Super Woman or invincible, it’s just that I have this really strong reflexive reaction to people needing help.
When I was doing my internship in the forensic unit of the State Hospital I decided to run an art therapy group for the worst of the worst. Two days a week I sat by myself in a room with 6-7 schizophrenic men who had committed murder. There was a panic button that I made sure was right behind me, but 6 men can do a lot of damage before a guard can get through a door. Luckily, I never had a single issue and the inmates were always extremely courteous (and well medicated). But looking back, that was another “not so smart” move. But I didn’t think about the dangers, I only thought about the possibilities of what I could learn.
In those things I show the quality of being fearless, but in so many other ways I often feel like a coward. There are so many times that I’ve held back from saying or doing something because of what people might think. I can’t stand the thought of people thinking bad things about me. I am always searching for outside approval even from people I don’t freaking like.
When we went to Paris we visited Oscar Wilde’s grave. It’s tradition to kiss the grave and it was covered in pink and red lip prints. But there was also a plaque on it that admonished the practice and said it was disrespectful, cost money to clean, etc… I pondered on it, so scared to do the wrong thing, and walked away without kissing it. I walked away!! I may never get the chance again and I missed it.
How is it that the girl who has been referred to more than once as “ballsy” is the same girl who will sit quietly in a room of people afraid to open her mouth because she might offend someone, or worse, sound stupid? It’s like my fearlessness is bipolar. I don’t like it.
And because I don’t like it I’ve been thinking about that “fearless” word a lot, especially with a BIG birthday just a couple of days away. I don’t want to start a new decade with old baggage, and today I saw a funny Audi commercial that just hit that home for me. I’m not an Audi fan (except the R8- I’ve driven one and I would do very bad things to do it again), but their marketing folks deserve some props and my readers deserve to see this. SERIOUSLY, WATCH IT!!
So with a little push from that brilliant commercial, I’ve decided to change. Now, I’m not planning on listening to police scanners so I can jump into rivers to scoop out motorists or stand between gun-slinging idiots. I’m not even going to search out anymore psychologically damaged murderers to start a knitting club. What I am going to do is embrace the possibilities each moment offers.
Releasing the fear = grasping the possibilities
So what are you holding onto? What can you let go of that could open up a world of possibilities for you? Make the change. It doesn’t matter if you’re kissing the prom queen or a grave stone, just pucker-up and let “fearless” take over.
Wicked wishes- Ash