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Well, it looks like music is the current theme on the blog right now as my last post was about a recent concert outing and this one is about my on-the-side adventure I have going. My little writing world got a nice shake, rattle and roll recently when I was cast in a music video! Yep, you heard me. Billy Joel had Christy Brinkley, Robert Palmer had his robot-lipstick girls, Paula Abdul had Keanu Reeves and this band gets me! And who wouldn’t want all the sexiness and class that is this…

Shhh…I’m a video star.

No, seriously. I’m going to be in a music video…Finished laughing? Okay, let’s get on with this.

This is how it went down: An actress friend of mine’s husband is in a blues/Southern rock band, Old Warhorse. They have an album coming out and decided to do a music video to help with promotion. Luckily, my friend (the casting director) decided to not cast a bunch of teenagers and I got the role. Amazing! Fantastic! Terrifying!!

Yep, as excited as I was to get the part, I was also nervous as hell. For those who don’t know, I do have a background in acting and did a decent amount of modeling through my teens and 20’s, but I wasn’t walking the catwalks of NY and Milan because I

“Bilbo, what’s this?”
“Oh, my dear Frodo. That is something even more precious than the ring. It is the sword of Wobblybits that I used to slay the gargantuan hobbit model who tried to touch my naughty parts. The most horrifying of my adventures.”

was only 5’6″ and a massive 110 pounds (yep, the equivalent of an obese hobbit in the modeling world- the kind Bilbo would have had to lie to his friends about hooking up with). But I had an agent and did work in the fashion capitals of Arkansas, Texas, and Tennessee. In fact, this is not my first go-around with a music video. In fact, I think this is a good time to insert my story about that. So, gather on the story rug kiddos and sit criss-cross-applesauce …

Once upon a time (in the ’90’s) there was a starving princess/college student/model named Ash. She heard on the radio that a band of hairy trolls called ZZ Top was coming to the great Kingdom of Little Rock and having a contest to cast a local girl in their video, Girl in a T-shirt. Ash heard about it the day of the deadline; so she rushed to her photographer friend wearing lots of make-up and a tight shirt, had some pics taken, had them rush-developed (no digital ease back then), and drove like a bat out of hell to the radio station. The next day her boyfriend called her (who worked for a bank and actually got out of bed at a decent hour) and said, “Congratulations, they just announced on the radio that you’re in the top 5.” Squeal! Giggle! Giggle and squeal! (her, not him) And then she waited for ZZ Top to arrive and announce that she got… second place. Boo…hiss…boo hoo… (again, her, not him).

The girl who won had been a crafty little skank model, taking her pictures in a bikini at a motorcycle shop, surrounded by guys who looked like the band (damn her and her preparation). But in the end, the band reneged on the deal (shame on them) and the winner went on to do other videos…just of a more mature variety. And Ash? Well, she got 2 stupid tickets to the stupid concert she wouldn’t have gone to in the first place…oh, and some pretty funny pictures…ready to see the massive hair and kickin’ polka dot top that earned her second place? Here ya go…

The polka dots have hypnotized me into a daze.

Now, back to the current video adventure. With all of that “experience”, why am I nervous? I’m obviously not shy for a camera but I haven’t been exactly living the model lifestyle as of late. I’ve had 3 kids and I like to munch on Milk Duds and gummy bears while I write, all helping to give me a nice, wide “bloggers” butt (yeah, I see the envy in your eyes). Once I found out that I had the part I went into “oh, sh*t!” mode. That involved picking myself apart in the mirror and trying to figure out how to shave 10 pounds and 10 years off in a month that didn’t involve knives or botulism.

After lots of research and calculating I realized the harsh truth, I had to put down the gummy bears and exercise. My upper body isn’t doing too shabby aside from the new grandma-bat wings I’ve recently discovered, but my lower half looks sculpted- sculpted out of bleached Play-doh that is. So what did I do? I bought the Brazilian Butt workout. Yep, Leandro suckered me in.

And let me tell you, that damn crap ain’t easy. He may have a background in ballet but it didn’t make him a sissy. No, it just taught him how to point his toes while he kicks your ass. And I’ve been doing the videos but not with the dedication I should. So, what do you do when you run out of time to look tone? You tan!! So I shelled out some money to the cancer-coffin folks and made my fat look darker (everyone knows bat-wings look better when they’re dark). And with that out of the way, I moved on to my face.

There’s been plucking, and exfoliating, and moisturizing, and wrinkle creams and teeth whitening. Then there’s been the water drinking. The constant water drinking. They could tie me to the belly of an airplane and fly me around to the parts of Texas in a heavy drought. (Too gross? Whatever. Get over it.) And now with only three days before the shoot, I’m on my lean protein-only diet. In the old days I would have just dehydrated myself but now I can’t because it makes every tiny wrinkle show up. But the protein/water diet does work in a pinch and I’m only doing it for 3 days and then back to veggies and such (always consult a doctor before starting a new diet..blah, blah blah…).

So my face, body and hair are pretty much where they need to be. I just have to get my nails painted red on Friday and we’re good to go. I’ve even been to the wardrobe fitting and will be wearing a frayed denim skirt (long enough to disquise Play-doh legs), a sleeveless, plaid shirt tied-up to show the tummy, vintage cowboy boots, vintage belt, cowboy hat and RED lips. All of this while driving a bad ass Cadillac and drinking fake whiskey. A part I was born to play.

And that gets you to where I am. I shoot this Saturday and Sunday (all day in the Texas sun). After I finish and have some production stills, I’ll come back here and give you the low-down on my experience. It will be a blast, and in the end, I know ZZ Top will regret their obviously drug-induced decision.

The band lamenting over their biggest regret.

Wicked wishes- Ash

Oh, and credit for the lobster photo either goes to me or my bff Tracy (we were happy drunk so I forget) and the polka dot photo was taken by the dear Clida Fair. The other two photos were taken from these sites http://www.watoday.com.au/entertainment/hobbit-movies-to-tell-one-long-tale-20090512-b123.html and http://www.licklibrary.com/news/2011/8/1981-zz_top_39a_tribute_from_friends39__track_listing (with a little PS magic by yours truly.

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