Take cover friends, it’s my first ever “Manic Monday” post. I know that your Mondays probably suck enough that you’re thinking, “Do I really have to read some thought-provoking dribble just to be a good friend?” The answer is “Yes—Yes you do!” But I promise not to dribble or drool (I’ve cut way down on my pain meds, so that’s under control). In fact, I promise this won’t be thought provoking at all because quite honestly, I’m doing very little thinking while I’m writing it.
   I’ve done very little rational thinking for two weeks now. I had major surgery and got to take lots of pills and drips and I’m pretty sure fairies snuck in the hospital and sprinkled magic dust on me too (but those memories are a little fuzzy). While in the hospital your sleeping patterns are random as well as your thoughts and quite frankly, you get bored.
   To remedy my bouts of boredom I would text people. The drugs, pain and sleep deprivation made me rather oblivious to things like grammar, spelling, and time. When I went back and read these in a sober state I laughed (my friends who I texted at 4am weren’t laughing as much). But anyway, what I decided to do was list some of these random texts in a little segment I’m going to call “Out of Con-Text”. All of them are copied exactly from the texts. Here we go…

May 4 (morning of surgery- still lucid)
6:49am Me: So far so good. They got the IV on the first try. I’m trying to stay relaxed and pretend it’s a mini vacation.
7:09am BFF: This will be fine. I can feel it. I love you. Think happy thoughts
Husband answereing for me: She’s all loopy now- they just took her back.

May 5 (Going downhill)
4:37am Me to BFF: I neengrf ll

7:44am Hubby to me: And why were you up texting at 4:30???
Me: Too much pain nd Needed knee more

1:27pm Me: WTF did I text up there?
BFF: I was like “it’s 4:30am and ash must be on some good drugs”
Me: No shit. I was like texting in Klingon.
BFF: I was trying to decode it but I was sober so it didn’t work.
Me: I seriously have no idea what I was trying to tell you.
BFF: I saved it. If I get drunk tonight I’ll read it again and let you know.

9:07pm BFF: How’s my girl?
Me: Had reaction to med. Had to take benadryl. That shit knocked out so maybe I’ll kill one of those nightmarish women in mold. (I’m impressed that I actually typed “nightmarish” but still baffled by reference to mold.)

May 7  (obviously watching too much TV and texting BFF)
11:36am Me: I’m happier than a fat guy at Hooters. (they must have brought out the good drugs.)
12:38 pm Me: Larry is waterskiing. He crashed and told them he ripped his colon.
4:27pm Me: Kim Kardashian’s ass makes yours look flat.
10:14pm Me: I swear this is the name of a pro dirt cross racer- Broc Tickle

Conversation between me and other BFF, Mac. Keep in mind this is sarcasm not me coming out of the closet.
4:34pm Mac to me: How are you feeling?
Me: Like low grade shit.
Mac: Sorry sweetie. You’ll always be high grade shit to me.
Me: I was going home but strained my sutures and had to go back to bed.
Mac: Did they not warn you about sex in the hospital?
Me: Not lesbian sex
Mac: Wait!! I know I wasn’t there!
Me: These damn nurses are crafty
Mac: Bitches
Me: I’m pretty sure they slipped me a roofie.
Me: Actually, I probably roofied myself by pressing the magic button on my pain pump.

These are from after I came home. Because of the abdominal incision I had to sleep in a bent position in a recliner in the living room. I had my phone with me to text hubby in the bedroom when I needed him. Aside from our three boys we also have a new puppy who is sleeping in her crate in the dining room.

May 11 (between me and hubby)
12:36am Me: Puppy may need out.
3:10am Me: Can you help me up
6:27am Me: Baby is up
Hubby: I heat

May 13 (me to hubby as patience takes downward spiral)
2:09am: Dog is ip again
2:43am: Dig is wining
5:28am: Dog again
6:38am: Dog

So there you go. A peek into my surgery and recovery via texts. I’m hoping something at least made you grin and not curse me and wish for the last five minutes of your life back. Be on the look out for something with a little more meat on “Wcked Wednesday.”

Wicked wishes-
Ash

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